


The Sonic 06 Fandub, but as a Serious Fanfic

by dxrkblaze



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog (Video Games), Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Other, Sonic 06, intertwining improvised shitpost dialogue with my overbearingly descriptive style of prose, snapcube, this is it. this is what almost a decade of fanfic writing has led me to, this is my true purpose
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-02-25 15:36:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22498447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dxrkblaze/pseuds/dxrkblaze
Summary: Unfortunately, the title says it all. Credit to the SnapCube crew for the wonderful material.
Comments: 26
Kudos: 118





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> who the hell knows why my brain told me to do this to em. this is an import from my ff account lol, figured i should post it here too. hope y'all have many laughs with it!
> 
> obviously, all the dialogue is from SnapCube's Sonic 06 real-time fandub. i'm sure you've heard of it lmao

A large, gaudy boat was the center of attention as the city of Soleanna celebrated their Festival of the Sun. The craft crept through the river, its layers of decorations shifting in the wind. At the vessel's most prominent point, the beloved Princess Elise stood in awe of the thousands of people surrounding the water Some waving, some shouting, some singing a chorus beautiful enough to shake the core of any listener, and all were merry. Although the Princess kept her smile, and returned greetings in every direction, she couldn't help but feel that something was off. She felt the possibility of an imminent disaster, but so much was to be expected. It was the grandest festival of the year, and anything off-schedule would be upsetting.

Before Elise knew it, she was handed the torch to light the central platform - one of the main events of the festival. She took a moment to admire the flame, quickly becoming lost in its beauty. Lively yellow, warm orange, destructive red. These colors seemed to swirl around her conscience, encapsulating her in a threatening vision she couldn't quite understand.

 _"It's like it's spinning within me,"_ the Princess thought, _"also - oh shit! That's outside of me,"_

After realizing she had been mulling over these benign thoughts for some time, Elise shook her head, and reassured the servant at her side that her mind was clear.

"Princess!" the council elder across from her bowed. "You had a _That's So Raven_ vision once more!"

"Oh, no!" Elise assured, perhaps far too adamantly. "I just daydreamed! I'm here! For the people."

A sly smirk crept across the elder's face. Though his face was wrinkled, his smile offered a window into his youthful soul. "Alright, well, let's get litty in this bitch." he said. "Light that bitch up right now!"

"I will light this bitch up right now," the Princess repeated, only mildly disturbed. Cheers erupted from the crowd as she walked toward the large pit before her, including a faint _'We're gonna' get higher than a kite tonight!'_ from the elder himself.

Any tension Elise had felt before was relieved the moment she set the decorations alight. Dozens of fireworks sounded from a distance, and all seemed peaceful. This feeling would only last for a moment, as several flaming projectiles suddenly fell from the sky like meteors, crashing into the city below. The explosions were deafening, the impacts strong enough to shake the floating platform and send Elise to the ground. What seemed like a waterfall of armed robots were deployed from a ship above, only adding to the chaotic confusion.

The Princess looked in horror at the man responsible for the destruction, none other than the evil Dr. Eggman. The villain descended from the heavens on his small, personal airship, with a destructive glitter in his eyes. He chuckled. "Why, hello there, young Princess! Do you like my outfit, with four nipples?" Eggman gestured to his red coat, made strikingly beautiful from the light of the flames all around. Indeed, the coat bore four golden nipples at his chest. When silence followed, Eggman shook his head in disgust, seeing that he would receive no compliment for his attire. "Now, you must acquire me by getting on this boat, right now! Not the boat - my ship!"

The villain gasped as he saw a stunning blue light glisten behind the Princess's white glove. "You have the chaos emerald! In your hands!" Eggman gestured for the gem, his face wrinkled with malice. "Give me that shit right now, or I'm gonna rip it off my goddamn self! Give it to me!"

The Princess backed away, unwilling to give in to the vaguely egg-shaped man's demands. "Uhh, how 'bout no?" She offered.

Before the situation could escalate, the wind seemed to pick up around the platform, circling the scene like a tornado. Elise looked from one side to another in confusion, her hair blowing into her line of sight. In the blink of an eye, the wind settled, and a blue hedgehog was left standing at the top of a cracked column.

"My, that's a pretty snazzy performance there!" The intruder chimed. Sonic the Hedgehog had officially arrived.

For the slightest moment, Elise could see the raw potential in such a creature. His fur color changed, his quills professionally styled, and the world around him ravaged by the flames of his mixtape. Elise's jaw dropped; it was unlike anything she had ever envisioned before. Without hesitation, Sonic began spin-dashing to every robot in sight, avoiding their spray of bullets with ease.

The Princess watched in awe as the blue blur dispatched a seemingly endless line of robots. Realistically, there were about seven. After maniacally pushing one bot over an edge to its death, Sonic stopped in front of Elise, perhaps in a stroke of cinematic brilliance.

"Huh huh, huh! One!" Sonic stated, holding up his index finger. Elise nodded; Sonic wasn't lying. The Princess instantly knew she could trust him. Sonic scooped her into his arms, ready to make a quick escape. "C'mon, Elise!"

Eggman seethed behind his control panel. "Sonic, where do you think you're going, you motherfucker! Oh, he's cockblocking me!" He pointed a damning finger at the sprinting hedgehog, sending a wave of missiles after him and the Princess. "Get him!"

Elise held tight to the hedgehog's arm, cringing as each missile destroyed another piece of her home. Tears fell from her eyes to the blue blur's chest, encouraging him to move faster.

Above it all, an albino hedgehog laid his golden eyes down upon the chaos. A sudden urge to act overcame him, but only until he saw a bright blue streak cut through the grey clouds of destruction. "I guess he's got it handled, I'll just," he mumbled to himself. "I mean, it'd be really awkward if I walked in now, so…"

Smoke and flames soon turned to quaint, pale buildings in Sonic's path, but he could still feel Eggman on his tail. The blur leapt through the air and into another street, causing Elise to cling tightly to his torso. "Are you okay, Princess?" Sonic asked, sneaking a glance at her eyes.

Before any response could be made, a few robots blocked the road ahead, forcing Sonic to skid his heels to a halt. He gently placed Elise on her feet, and flashed a smirk at the new adversaries.

"Kill him!" one of the robots demanded. "We gotta' kill him!"

Sonic let out an arrogant chuckle, tapping his toes against his opposite heel. "Nah, you can't kill anybody." His brow furrowed, and he dashed toward the vocal bot with his leg extended. "Especially not me!"

The kick was delivered with enough force to send the bot careening backwards. _"Oh my God, I had a family!"_ it frantically yelled, just before exploding upon impact with a building. Without recoil nor remorse, Sonic dispatched the other bots with ease. The blur stood to admire his work for a moment, but his pride was short-lived. His ear twitched at an unusual noise behind him.

"Huh? It sounds like you're getting taken away!" Sonic exclaimed. Indeed, he turned to find Elise in the clutches of Eggman's personal ship, rising high into the star-laden sky.

Eggman released a delighted laugh from his throat. "That's right, Sonic!" the man peered downward with an evil, knowing grin. He was certain there was a defeated soul behind the hedgehog's emerald eyes. "I got ya' bitch! I got her in the palm of my hands!"

"Put her down, Eggman!" Sonic demanded, gritting his teeth.

"You put yourself down!" Eggman replied. "I'm taking her and the chaos emerald!"

This would prove to be untrue, as Elise took the opportunity to toss the blue gem to Sonic below. The blur looked to its beauty, and then back to the lesser beauty of Elise. He sighed, understanding that he simply must be living in another god-forsaken video game. "Okay," he acquiesced, "I'll rescue you. Don't worry!"

"No you won't!" Eggman mocked.

"I will!"

The villain raised his voice as he reached the entrance to his larger airship. "I'm taking her back to my ship, and you'll never see her again, Sonic! You'll be dead! Ten thousand years, Sonic!" Eggman exclaimed. "Ten thousand years!"

"You won't even live for then-" Sonic corrected himself, "ten thousand years!"

"Then tousand years!" Eggman mocked, picking up on Sonic's near spoonerism.

Sonic balled his fists. "Don't make fun of me!" he warned, rocking forward on his toes to project his voice.

"Well, Sonic, go read a book or something!" Eggman laughed, "See ya', idiot!" The villain landed the final verbal blow as the hangar to his airship closed. Slowly and painfully, the ship crawled through the sky until it was out of sight.

Sonic flashed his fangs, growling as he looked to the moonlit, glistening emerald in his hand. "I can read very well, actually." he chided before flicking his eyes upward, desperately looking to the heavens at the dark silhouette of Eggman's ship. Sonic ripped a nonsensical scream from his throat, loud enough to echo off the stars themselves: "Well, that's smarts!"


	2. Chapter 2

Harsh beams of light scanned the horizon against the backdrop of a cloudy, violet night sky. Despite their number, they illuminated only small portions of the vast, snow-covered curves of the hills before them. The lights all seemed to project from a large base in the distance, as cold and unforgiving as the winter it was weathering. A quiet, bleak forest in the foreground - stripped of life by the cold air - was the apparent target of all activity. Dozens of robots from the base trudged through the snow in this direction, intent on compromising any disturbance.

In the forest, Shadow the Hedgehog was zipping between trees and over stumps, using his propulsive shoes to skate on the snow beneath him. He moved just behind fringe of lights searching for him, keeping himself camouflaged until the opportune moment. Soon enough, the trees flying behind him with each stride began to thin out, and the ebony hedgehog was left stranded in the presence of a phalanx of bots. On cue, the automatons raised their machine guns.

"Dang robots," Shadow grunted, leaning on his toes to begin a charge. "always taking my job of being bland."

Indeed, for as much as Sonic Team had warped Shadow into an uninspired, cookie-cutter anti-hero, even he couldn't hold a candle to the soulless, identical band of bots before him. Shadow darted forward the moment they began shooting, causing the bullets to quiver in his wake. The hedgehog ran directly through a batallion, exploding the bots on impact, showing no regard for stealth any longer. He leapt through the air, and kicked himself from enemy to enemy, wondering to himself how he was able to detonate everything he touched. Perhaps the ultimate life form was even more powerful than he had previously believed.

After a showcase of acrobatics, Shadow leapt over the front wall of the base, scanning the inside for his next destination. "Oh crap, light!" Shadow released a panic-stricken whisper, throwing himself behind some barrels to avoid a passing searchlight. His heart raced with worry, pounding hard enough for him to feel it in every limb of his body. He kneeled to catch his breath. In a moment of intimate desperation, he pulled his wrist to his muzzle.

"Hey, wristband," The hedgehog croaked, his crimson eyes shifting every which way to keep him alert. His demand was simple, yet painfully existential. "Tell me my future."

The audio crackled from the device for a few moments, until a voice could finally be heard. "It's me, the G.U.N. soldier talking to you," it said redundantly, "your future is…"

Shadow inhaled sharply through his closed fangs, and winced in regret. It was far too late, but he decided he was unprepared to receive knowledge of the unknown.

_"...undetermined."_

The hedgehog exhaled in relief, but then grunted in disappointment. "Well, that's pretty lame." He rose to his feet, and inspected his wristband for any obvious deficits. "I spent like twenty dollars on you..."

Shadow took a moment to admire the soft snowfall around him, relishing the soothing stupefaction of the cold wind. He closed his eyes, allowing the sensation to clear his mind - nay, his soul. He thought of Maria, as he typically did, and the mission she left him with - what she might have said to him in trying times such as these. When his eyelids lifted once more, he felt a replenished sense of urgency.

The hedgehog cleared his throat. "Anyway, I'm gonna' break into- WOAH!" Shadow exclaimed, just as he was vaporized by nothing.

* * *

When Shadow regained consciousness, he found himself in the midst of a walk with Rouge the Bat, his longtime partner in combat. Rather than question the laws of time and space he surely just shattered, the hedgehog shrugged off his teleportation, thankful to be away from his responsibilities. He glanced back to Rouge, who was carrying a mace-shaped object in her hand, only further identifiable by the emission of a vibrant violet light that swirled around its shaft.

"Well, that was weird, dematerializing and rematerializing." Shadow stated. "Anyway Rouge, that's a nice purple you have there."

The bat blushed, and felt her heart flutter. "Thanks. It's uh, a good color on me." She held the object in her hands out to Shadow. "What do you think of my scepter?"

Shadow turned to her, and nodded. "I think it's nice. That's the purple I was referring to." He crossed his arms. "I mean, it matches your pink."

"Oh," Rouge replied with a twinge of disappointment in her voice. Perhaps it was foolish of her to believe that Shadow had finally complimented her signature outfit after years of working together. "Gotcha."

Suddenly, the ground began to rumble beneath the snow at their feet. "Wh-what's happening?" Rouge exclaimed, her frantic eyes locked on her boots. She threw her arms out to maintain her balance, and then fell to one knee.

"It's an earthquake, Rouge!" Shadow growled. "Like, honestly, didn't you learn about this in the third grade?"

The ground jolted further as three massive robots fell from the heavens, landing on their feet only a few meters from Shadow and Rouge. The bots were adorned with cannons in place of their right upper limbs, from which they could surely shoot earthquakes. With ill-intent, they crept closer to the duo, their visors fixated on the extraordinary purple. _"You're getting fucked,"_ one of them declared monotonously.

"Uh, I don't know what earthquakes are!" Rouge lied, for no apparent reason.

Shadow side-eyed the bat before fixing his gaze on the bots again. He sighed. "Then you're gonna' be no use against these earthquake robots." He clenched his fists, and staggered his stance, prepared to fight the adversaries alone if needed.


	3. Chapter 3

Elsewhere in the world, Sonic was enjoying a leisurely run through Soleanna, as if the fate of the world hadn't recently been jeopardized. Though the future seemed glum, the sky predicted otherwise, and its saturated blue hue filled Sonic's soul with serenity. As he turned down another street, he spotted an orange fox in the distance - the silhouette belonged to none other than his good friend Tails. Sonic made haste to greet him.

"Huh, hey Tails! Long time no see!"

The fox's mouth stretched into a glowing smile. "Hey Sonic, how's it going?" he asked in a sing-song voice, clearly as detached from the world's affairs as the hedgehog was. "You wanna' go get some ice cream?"

"Well," Sonic stalled, considering all possible excuses to leave and achieve solitude again.

Tails leaned forward, clasping his hands together, unwilling to relinquish the chance to hang out with his friend. "I-I'm really hungry for some ice cream," he pursued.

"Hmmmmmm," Sonic continued to feign interest.

"I could go for a sundae or something right now, I don't know!" The fox shrugged, "Maybeeeeeee something with… sprinkles!"

Sonic's eyes shot open. Without doubt, sprinkles were the hedgehog's deepest, most sensual pleasure - second only behind chilidogs in terms of orgasmic bliss. Just the mention of the word caused him to fall into a stupor. Slave that he was, Sonic immediately held out his thumb. "I'll take one scoop please!" Without pause, he turned to his left, and sprinted down the street, intent on finding the ever-elusive sprinkles.

"O-okay!" Tails called, unsure how to handle his friend's odd behavior. "Bye, Sonic! I-" suddenly, the fox's two tails began to spin around one another uncontrollably, lifting him off the ground and propelling him in the direction of the hedgehog. Tails seemed surprised by his physics-defying rear end. "Uh, Okay? I can fly? What?" He asked aloud, ignoring the fact that he had built a career off of following Sonic in this manner.

The two chased the familiar ice cream jingle all the way to the shoreline, where it grew weak in the distance. Their eyes shifted to the clouds, and indeed, the ice cream airship was too far away to be flagged down. "Aw, we missed him again!" the hedgehog dropped his shoulders, allowing his head to hang in disappointment. "We always miss the ice cream airship, Tails."

"Aw, man!"

" _Feather!"_ a disembodied voice commented as a white feather slowly floated to the Earth. Perhaps a gift from God herself, or a failed motif from a poorly-written script, it gracefully nestled in the sand before the heroes. Sonic immediately bent over to pick it up.

"It dropped a feather?" Tails asked redundantly, "I didn't think airplanes had feathers."

Sonic closely inspected the fallen plume. "What is this one, vanilla?"

"I guess so!" Tails replied. He stood in place for a moment before realizing he had no purpose in the scene any longer. With that, he sprinted off. "Bye!"

The blue hedgehog turned the feather over in his hand once more, and his lips curled with excitement. "Yummy yummy in my tummy!"

* * *

A hazy, purple vortex appeared in an empty computer room. From it, Rouge and Shadow emerged, their bodies brimming with adrenaline from their hasty fight with the vicious earthquake robots. The cold, metallic floor sent their footsteps echoing off the monitors on the far wall. "Well, fortunately we made it here to the computer room," Shadow commented. He smirked, and casted a sly peripheral gaze toward his partner. "Hey, hey Rouge! Hey Rouge, we found… we found the computer room!"

"Oh fuck, the computer room," Rouge's eyes shot wide as they examined the largest monitor. She instantly understood the raw, ungodly potential the device held. "we could play so much Fortnite in here, dude!"

Shadow's brow furrowed; he turned his back to Rouge, and approached a large painting on the wall. His voice was fraught with disappointment. "Are you kidding?"

"Just think of all the Fortnite battles we could win in this room!" Rouge clasped her hands together, nearly blinded by her vivacious dreams of earning a victory royale. "With this much technology, we'd be unstoppable!"

"That's lame." Shadow said bluntly, "Listen. I appreciate the effort, but the new rage is Doki Doki Literature Club: Battle Royale." The hedgehog gestured to the painting, which was bordered by an intricate, beautiful gold frame. "That's the new Monika redesign. She's like… a red head, even though she was like, kinda' brunette… I don't know, I didn't play Doki Doki-"

"I haven't heard about that one yet! What's it about? How does it work?" Rouge quizzed, genuinely interested in the prospect of a rival battle royale game. As her eyes locked with Shadow's, the hedgehog froze in place. His crossed arms tightened against his chest.

Rouge continued to ramble on about Fortnite, but Shadow could no longer hear her. For one reason or another, Shadow was overcome by an onslaught of feelings for his longtime friend, to the point where he was left questioning his long-standing homosexuality. He was simply entranced - by her movements, her voice, her beauty. Suddenly, Shadow realized he hadn't spoken in quite some time, and his muzzle turned a bright red. "I'm so proud of you," he awkwardly croaked.

"Thank you!" Rouge smiled. She pointed to a landmark at the top right of the computer monitor, which was displaying a comprehensive map of the Fortnite world. "We're gonna' go there! That's the island we should drop on, right there."

Taking Rouge's advice, the two hastily made their way to their destination. They trekked past column after column, structures around them stretching higher and higher towards the sky with every step they took. The tile beneath them was cracked and crumbling - the result of many battles that had taken place in the years prior. The walls and ceilings fared no better; sunlight shone through each and every broken piece of concrete, casting intricate shadows below. Along with the light came fresh air, which was soothing enough to put Shadow and Rouge at ease with each breath they took. Certainly, this place would have been beautiful decades ago, but now it held a certain level of beauty and peace that can only be achieved through destruction.

"So, this is the fabled Tilted Towers," Shadow said breathlessly, craning his neck to take in every square inch of the place. Even he could not have predicted the sheer dominating beauty of the Towers. Shadow felt as though he was but a spectator to the world, without any need or desire to control his own fate. The feeling was blissful and familiar, though he had not experienced it in quite some time. It reminded him of his days on the ARK, peering out into space, occasionally receiving a glimpse of the lively Earth below.

Without warning, Shadow's musings were interrupted by a thunderous, permeating noise. A maniacal laugh soon followed, and the heroes shifted their eyes upward to catch the sight of Eggman's personal airship slowly lowering itself inside the Towers. Once the villain was in earshot, he leaned over the side of his ship, pointing at the two below. "I know where we're droppin' today, boys!" he called, his voice oozing with disdain.

"Eggman!" Rouge balled her fist, "How did you get here?"

The villain's face wrinkled with confusion. "How do you think I got here? I floated down on my giant Battle Bus." Though he claimed his airship to be the sacred Battle Bus, it in fact held no resemblance. Eggman grumbled to himself for a moment before growing irritated. "You know what I'm sayin'? It's Fortnite! How could you not know about Fortnite?" He gripped the sides of his ship in rage, and growled. "You said you played! You were batfucker69 on there!"

Rouge's eyes widened; indeed, she had no clue how Eggman could have known her username. The shock dissipated though, as a dozen hostile bots suddenly dropped from the sky to surround them.

Shadow bent his knees, preparing himself for action. He took a moment to survey his surroundings. "I haven't seen you since... the incident..."

The bots pointed to Rouge, mocking her by chanting _"Batfucker! Batfucker!"_

Eggman chuckled lowly. "Oh, we don't talk about the incident, Shadow." He gestured towards them, signaling his bots to attack. "Now, Die!"


	4. Chapter 4

_“Oh, Christ!”_

One of the bots quickly fired a missile at Rouge and Shadow, forcing them to leap away from it with all their might. Shadow landed with a powerful fist and a skid, and gazed upward to find Rouge soaring from the impact. Somehow, the bat then lost the ability to use her wings, and began spiraling toward the stone floor. “That’s so mean!” She exclaimed.

Shadow gritted his teeth. “That’s what you get for unironically having ‘69’ in your name!” he growled. Annoyed as he was, Shadow still darted toward his falling friend. At the peak of his sprint, he planted his foot hard into the stone, and dove for Rouge with a primal scream: _“Teriaaaa!”_

Just inches above the ground, Shadow cupped Rouge’s head, and rolled into a low-impact landing with her. “Oh, Shadow!” Rouge wrapped her arms around him, burying her face into his chest fluff. “You saved me!”

Out of the corner of his eye, Shadow caught a glimpse of Rouge’s scepter, still high in the air. “Oh, crap! The purple’s falling in a very long time!”

“No! Gimmie the - get the purple!” Rouge yelled without moving a muscle.

A hellish shockwave shot through the ground as the scepter finally crashed to the surface. Eggman’s bots screamed in a chorus of agony as purple waves of energy encircled them, causing them to twitch uncontrollably. Shadow stood to admire their suffering, and walked toward the scepter. “So it’s the power of purple,” he began to reach for it, but pulled his hand back. “I don’t want to touch it…"

Rouge lifted her head from the floor, hints of confusion and concern spreading across her face. “Did he break it?”

Shadow again drew cautiously closer to the purple. “I don’t kno- _OH GOD!_ ”

Suddenly, an intense stream of dark energy shot from the scepter, stretching toward the clouds with a sinister hiss. The energy formed into a worm-like creature, which turned in the air to dart toward the ground. “Oh no! The instant ramen’s been released!” Eggman exclaimed, desperately beating his control panel to turn his thrusters toward escape. “We need to go! Now!”

Shadow jumped back as the creature landed mere inches before him. “Going through the floor, who do you think you are? Danny Phantom or something?” The ebony hedgehog looked to his own shadow, which began to seethe with the demonic aura of the creature. He gasped, his eyes widening with an existential realization. “My shadow,” he whispered, “so _that’s_ how I got my name!”

 _“Fuck,”_ Rouge mumbled, as a booming series of laughter reverberated from below, seemingly from the depths of Hell. Shadow’s shadow began to dissipate into a black cloud of energy, just as the laughter devolved into a cough akin to that of a veteran smoker. It became clear that the creature was taking form, but the coughing only grew more violent.

“Woah, dude,” Shadow reached out a hand, “dude you alright? You good? You… you need a lozenge?”

The dark dust cleared, revealing a slouching silhouette that bore a striking semblance to Shadow. This creature had the same quill style, the same chest fur, and the same noodle arms as the copyright-protected hedgehog. The only apparent difference was a muted color palette, as Shadow’s red stripes were mirrored with a dull grey on the creature. 

“Oh my god, who the fuck is that?” Rouge quizzed.

“Just let him have a - just give him a second to clear his throat,”

The creature arched back as his coughing turned back into maniacal laughter. Once it settled down, it turned to Shadow, revealing its most disturbing features: green slitted eyes and the absence of a mouth. Despite the latter, the creature finally spoke in a deep, demonic voice.

“Welcome to Tilted Towers,” it greeted, “allow me to introduce myself. My name is Memphis Tennessee, and I am part lizard.” The hedgehog-clone bowed. “Nice to - _yoroshiku egai-ishima_ , as they say in Nippon.”

Shadow’s brow furrowed. “Mee-philes! I should’ve guessed!” he mused, as if he had ever met the creature before. “What happened to your mouth?”

“Oh, Shadow the Hedgehog, you don’t know?” Mephiles remained slumped over from his bow, but crept closer to the pair of heroes. “There’s a new trend going around online called ‘kinning’.” He lifted his head, looking to Shadow with half-lidded eyes as the amusement in his voice turned sinister. “My body is reforming to suit your own. Soon I will be one-hundred percent Shadow, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!”

Without hesitation, Shadow fired back. “I can, um, kick your ass. Right now.”

Mephiles smirked. Just kidding. He rounded off his continued laughter by turning his nose toward Shadow. “Let me get a good smell of you, little boy.”

“No, okay,” the ebony one stepped back, a disturbed kick in his voice. “You’re gonna’ have to back up!”

Mephiles chuckled, and held out a pulsing blue ball of light. “Look at this orb,” he commanded, “inside you’ll see the future.” He pointed it to Shadow. “In your future, it looks like you’ll kiss seven girls. How lucky for you.”

Shadow balled his fists, “Joke’s on you! If you were a _true_ copy of me, you’d know I’m gay!” 

“Here, come to my house!” Mephiles offered, allowing the orb to expand. “C’mon, let’s just go!”

In an instant, Rouge and Shadow vanished, and their newfound foe followed soon after. Such was only a fraction of the power he would later unleash.

* * *

Many years in the future, a somber grey hedgehog floated above a crumbling city’s skyline. Aptly named Crisis City, this metro had been ripped apart by consecutive disasters, leaving burning skyscrapers toppled over one another, serving no further purpose than charcoal to the flames of chaos. The orange and yellow hues painted the clouds concealing the nighttime stars, and reflected in the golden eyes of the lonely hedgehog. A cyan aura surrounded him as he moved above the city - the byproduct of his psychokinetic ability. His head turned in every direction, his distress apparent in his expression. 

“Okay, so… Google Maps said the Denny’s would be just around this corner,” he mused to himself, “Denny’s? _Ah!_ ” He was forced to dodge a flame that shot upward from the city. “Get out… of my way please! Thank you!”

Atop one of the buildings below, a beautiful purple feline came running into earshot. “Silver!” she called to the hedgehog between heavy breaths, before flinging an exasperated arm behind her. “The Denny’s is that way!”

Silver stopped in his tracks, and felt the tension in his body melt as he sighed. His shoulders dropped, and he looked to the swirling clouds above - no longer with dread, for he knew his goal was so near. _“Finally,”_ he croaked, _“a Grand Slam!”_

The hedgehog flew toward his desires with a determined speed, disappearing behind a few of the still-standing skyscrapers. The feline below caught her breath, and ran after him as fast as she could. “Save a cheese melt for me, Silver!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what better way to spend self-quarantine (and celebrate the sonic riders fandub release) than with another chapter of this absolute abomination?


	5. Chapter 5

The grand slam in question was larger than life; its molten body lurched from a swirling pit of lava, threatening Silver and Blaze with jagged teeth and a disturbed disposition. The two were placed in peril with each movement the breakfast made. Under normal conditions, they might have gone their separate ways. After all, Silver and Blaze were far more likely to be made prey by the grand slam than have the feast they so desired. But this was a dystopia - this was Denny’s. The two friends had grown used to fighting for their food, risking their lives to survive another day. Their golden eyes sparked with determination, and their hands curled with feral adrenaline. This would not be their last night in Hell.

They ate every last morsel.

Silver stood triumphantly after their meal, looking out to the molten pit with satisfaction. “I can’t believe we ate the _whoooole thiiiiiing!_ ”

“I know, I’m stuffed!” Blaze chimed, “I could use a nap, Silver.”

The hedgehog took this comment as an opportunity to dive into an unwarranted bout of introspection. “Well, I just always wanna’ sleep, you know,” he hung his head, and slammed his fist against the broken landscape in frustration. “I hate it. ‘Cause then when I try to go to sleep, I… I can’t.”

“I know, and you angst so much about it,” replied Blaze.

“I just wanna’ sleep, Blaze,” Silver felt a wall of tears form over his eyes. His voice was strained. “I’m so tired of taking melatonin. It makes me tired all the time.”

Blaze nodded. “Oh, I fuckin’ feel ya’ there, buddy. Insomnia, am I right?”

 _“Hey, gamers.”_ A booming voice sounded from above. The feline and hedgehog craned their necks upward to find Mephiles standing atop a piece of crumbled architecture. “Were you talking about Fortnite?” the mouthless one continued, “No, I’m not even gonna’ pretend you were talking about Fortnite. I just really love bringing up my favorite game whenever I can!”

Blaze and Silver looked to one another in confusion, and then back to the intruder. 

“I, too, have insomnia; but unlike you, mine is not caused by depression,” Mephiles explained.

“Hey, that’s not-” Silver’s interruption turned to a mumble. “Well, yes, I am depressed. Okay.”

Mephiles ignored this comment. “Mine is because I play so much Fortnite. I stay up late and go to Tilted Towers!” He gritted his teeth, and uttered a hasty disclaimer to a non-existent audience: _“I don’t actually play Fortnite, I don’t know any other places.”_

Silver and Blaze remained wholly unconvinced of Mephiles’s sincerity, yet they agreed to retreat to his lair. Once there, Mephiles led the path inside, his backside barely visible in the dim room. The only source of light came from a large monitor on the far wall, which was showing an overhead view of the Fortnite world. Several fallen chairs were strewn about the area, along with sporadic empty cans of Mountain Dew and G-Fuel.

Though untidy, Mephiles still spoke of his room with pride. “Welcome to my house,” he announced. “As you can see, I’ve knocked over many chairs, because I get so tilted at the towers.”

“Uh,” Silver interjected, “this isn’t really tilted, _or_ a tower,”

“Well, you see, it’s a gamer pad.” Mephiles retorted, crossing his arms. He turned to Silver, and gestured to the space around him. “Not many girls come in here, because I get friend-zoned so frequently! But that’s okay.”

Silver’s voice flickered with excitement. “I’d like to be in the friend zone! I’d like friends!” he beamed. 

Mephiles’s eyelids fell halfway, heavy with his past trauma. “It’s not as pleasant as you’d think,” he explained. “They don’t treat you like a friend. They treat you like an item.” The villain hung his head, and began pacing with his train of thought. His tone turned from somber to sour. “Sometimes, I wish I could be more than just an accessory to these women. But unfortunately, as a gamer, I don’t get respect.”

Ever hopeful, Silver smiled with an innocent delight. “Well, I’m not a gamer, so maybe they’ll respect me!”

Mephiles took a stride toward the boy, malintent lingering in his posture. His damning words plunged Silver’s very soul into peril. “That just makes you a beta cuck.”

The dark hedgehog couldn't contain his laughter as Silver's face fell from elation to horror. Silver's nerves raced with embarrassment, his thoughts laced with confusion, denial, and finally acceptance.

“I’m an alpha gamer,” Mephiles declared through his chuckles, placing his hands on his keyboard. Several images of Fortnite maps spread across the monitor. “Anyway, where we,” he caught his breath from laughing, “where we droppin’, boys? These are all the new maps they’ve added, and that’s a newspaper.”

Blaze stepped forward, interjecting with a smirk. “Have you ever actually interacted with a woman in your life, Mephiles?”

“That doesn’t matter,” Mephiles dodged, pulling a purple chaos emerald out of thin air. He handed it to Silver. “Check out this cool gem I got on eBay for seven dollars.” 

The albino hedgehog gasped, inspecting the gem’s beauty. “Oh, it’s so cool! Can I add it to my rock collection?”

Gradually, Silver’s mind drifted off as he stared, as if entranced by the emerald’s power. He stood in place for what felt like hours, his mind numb to any stimuli other than the gem. His vision faltered, and inside the emerald, he could only see a blue hedgehog burning alive. The figure’s desperate screams were deafening, reverberating in Silver’s conscience:

_“Oh my god! Someone help meeeeeeeeee!”_

As Silver ripped away from his trance, he fell to his knees, clutching the gem. His extremities shook with terror. “Oh my god, that looked like it hurt,” he sputtered. He dragged his dry tongue across the roof of his mouth, and looked to his best friend for clarity. “What do you think, Blaze?”

The feline approached Silver, and placed her hand on his far shoulder. She moved her head as if she were about to offer her extensive wisdom, but nothing came out. Her face was perplexed, her mind struggling to bring order to her words.

“B-Blaze?”

“I didn’t see it,” she finally answered.

“Give me back my thing,” Mephiles demanded, snatching the emerald from Silver’s hand. “You see, I had to trap Sonic in the Hell dimension, ‘cause he disrespected gamers.” Without offering any further information, the dark hedgehog held the gem out, allowing its energy to envelop everyone in the room. “If you still - anyway, welcome to my purple orb! It’s time to go!”

“Wait, I don’t-!” Silver shrieked, flailing at the energy surrounding him.

 _“Fyk! Nyoooooooooooooooo!”_ Mephiles sounded. With a final _“Byoom!”_ , the three of them disappeared, their matter bending at will as they were transported to a different timeline.


End file.
